blame storming
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Its an official version of the 'blame game'- 'it wanst me'.
Chainsaw Consultant
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Mouse Potato
The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Some guy spending the whole day on a pc doing alot of nothing.
Stress Puppy
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.
Chips and Salsa
Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
Flight Risk
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
What your boss is trying to say
Corporate buzzwords
These are the terms and phrases tossed about by executives and managers to make themselves appear more important, or to cover up incompetence.
They can be very annoying (to the audience) and much fun (to the speaker).
Analysis paralysis
Example: "I don't want this project to become a victim of analysis paralysis!"
Intended to mean: Spending too much time on analysis slows progress to a crawl.
What it really means: "I'm too incompetent to actually think about what I want up
front. I'd rather continually change requirements and make things up as I go."
Bleeding edge
Example: "We need the newest software so we can be on the bleeding edge of
technology!"
Intended to mean: Desire for the company to be industry technology leaders.
What it really means: "I don't care if the new stuff works, I want it anyway,
because then I can look cool in front of my peers who read the trade magazines."
Bottom line
Example: "We're not going to sell products in Canada, and that's the bottom line!"
Intended to mean: The decision has been made and is final.
What it really means: "I'm the goddamn boss, so stop questioning me! Your
logical arguments hold no sway against my whims!"
Outside the box
Example: "That solution won't work. We need to think outside the box, people!"
Intended to mean: Be clever and innovative to solve this problem.
What it really means: "I can't think of a good solution either, but you guys are
the morons, not me."
Core competency
Example: "Our company's core competency is creating cakes."
Intended to mean: This is what the company does best, we are experts.
What it really means: "We really don't do anything very well, but this is the only thing we (at least) know how to do, and if we use big words like "competency" maybe we can fool you."
"Exciting times"
Example: "With the release of Product version 6.0, this is a very exciting time!"
Intended to mean: The company has a promising future.
What it really means: Has there ever in the history of corporate memos or
speeches been "boring times"? Judging by CEO statements, every company at every
time is "exciting". This is by far the most overused buzzword for a company
describing itself.
Face time
Example: "I'd like to see more face time from you."
Intended to mean: Try to make yourself more available.
What it really means: "I don't care how productive you are, as long as you arrive
before (and are seen by) upper management, and leave after upper management has
left, to give them the impression my team is working hard."
Fire drill
Example: "The product design is all wrong! Hurry up, it's a fire drill to fix it!"
Intended to mean: This is an emergency.
What it really means: "I screwed up due to poor planning and bad foresight, so
now I need all my subordinates to run around and act like this is the most
important event in the history of the company!"
Bigger fish to fry
Example: "I understand your point, Ibra, but we have bigger fish to fry."
Intended to mean: There are more important things to focus on.
What it really means: "I think you're an idiot with a tiny little mind so I will
belittle you in front of your peers by saying so using a barely veiled catchphrase."
Run up the flagpole
Example: "Good idea, let's run it up the flagpole."
Intended to mean: Sounds like a good idea, but let's get someone else's opinion.
What it really means: "I'm not authorized to make that decision."
What it also really means: "I'm too afraid to make that decision on my own, and I
need someone to blame in case it fails."
Tip of the iceberg
Example: "The product doesn't fit into the mix. And that's only the tip of the iceberg!"
Intended to mean: There are many more problems besides that one.
What it really means: "There are no other problems, but I want to make myself
seem more important than I am, so I'll make it sound like there are problems
without actually mentioning what they are."
Long pole
Example: "Looks like you are the long pole on this project."
Intended to mean: You are in charge of performing the final task.
What it really means: "Everyone is waiting on you, pal. Get your limbs moving!"
Out of the loop
Example: "Sorry, I guess I was out of the loop."
Intended to mean: Unaware of that topic or decision.
What it really means: "I don't care about this, and I wasn't paying attention
anyway."
What it also really means: "You 'mavi ya kuku' horde all the information, so how am I supposed to ever know anything that goes on around here?!"
Move forward
Example: "We're not getting cooperation from our partner company, let's move
forward without them."
Intended to mean: It's important to keep on track and let nothing get in the way
of objectives.
What it really means: "I'd rather not take time to figure this out and make
correct decisions. Instead, let's charge through it like an elephant, knocking
over everything in our path, consequences be damned!"
Offline
Example: "I'm interested in talking about that topic, but let's take it offline."
Intended to mean: Spoken during a meeting or conference call indicating that the
topic is not appropriate for discussion at that time.
What it really means: "I'm scared that I will make myself look like a fool if I
talk about that in front of other people because I know nothing about it. At the
same time, I want to make it sound like I have complete control over the
situation."
Peel the onion
Example: "This is complicated, we need to peel the onion."
Intended to mean: Strip away the layers of complexity in order to assess this
better.
What it really means: "Dont assume we are all from the technical department, some of us are too dumb."
Window of opportunity
Example: "Let's jump on this before the window of opportunity closes."
Intended to mean: There is a limited amount of time that these particular
conditions will exist.
What it really means: "I'm afraid I might miss out on something if I don't jump
at this (and every other) opportunity, no matter how little sense it makes."
Open door policy
Example: "As the CEO of Alecs Systems plc., I maintain an open door policy."
Intended to mean: The CEO is interested in his employees' opinions and issues.
He's always available to listen and to help.
What it really means: "I want to give the appearance I am interested in your
opinions and issues. Actually, I'm too busy embezzling funds, and too
self-important to care about your petty problems."
[Perfect Kenyan example: political parties without ideologies, they only react to the current 'pain in the *#%$#]
Step up
Example: "We need you to step up on this assignment!"
Intended to mean: Do your very best.
What it really means: "Normally you are a waste of space, try not to ruin things
this time, pumbavu."
Strategic gap
Example: "We are 500 products short, we have a strategic gap."
Intended to mean: It's the difference between the projected results and the
objectives.
What it really means: "I'm trying to sound more intelligent than I am. Actually,
I don't know the real definition of the term."
Win-win
Example: "We get to keep the money and stay out of jail. It's a win-win
situation!"
Intended to mean: Everyone will be happy with this decision, it satisfies all
needs.
What it really means: "I'm extremely proud of myself for making such an obvious
decision and want you to know how smart I think I am."
These are the terms and phrases tossed about by executives and managers to make themselves appear more important, or to cover up incompetence.
They can be very annoying (to the audience) and much fun (to the speaker).
Analysis paralysis
Example: "I don't want this project to become a victim of analysis paralysis!"
Intended to mean: Spending too much time on analysis slows progress to a crawl.
What it really means: "I'm too incompetent to actually think about what I want up
front. I'd rather continually change requirements and make things up as I go."
Bleeding edge
Example: "We need the newest software so we can be on the bleeding edge of
technology!"
Intended to mean: Desire for the company to be industry technology leaders.
What it really means: "I don't care if the new stuff works, I want it anyway,
because then I can look cool in front of my peers who read the trade magazines."
Bottom line
Example: "We're not going to sell products in Canada, and that's the bottom line!"
Intended to mean: The decision has been made and is final.
What it really means: "I'm the goddamn boss, so stop questioning me! Your
logical arguments hold no sway against my whims!"
Outside the box
Example: "That solution won't work. We need to think outside the box, people!"
Intended to mean: Be clever and innovative to solve this problem.
What it really means: "I can't think of a good solution either, but you guys are
the morons, not me."
Core competency
Example: "Our company's core competency is creating cakes."
Intended to mean: This is what the company does best, we are experts.
What it really means: "We really don't do anything very well, but this is the only thing we (at least) know how to do, and if we use big words like "competency" maybe we can fool you."
"Exciting times"
Example: "With the release of Product version 6.0, this is a very exciting time!"
Intended to mean: The company has a promising future.
What it really means: Has there ever in the history of corporate memos or
speeches been "boring times"? Judging by CEO statements, every company at every
time is "exciting". This is by far the most overused buzzword for a company
describing itself.
Face time
Example: "I'd like to see more face time from you."
Intended to mean: Try to make yourself more available.
What it really means: "I don't care how productive you are, as long as you arrive
before (and are seen by) upper management, and leave after upper management has
left, to give them the impression my team is working hard."
Fire drill
Example: "The product design is all wrong! Hurry up, it's a fire drill to fix it!"
Intended to mean: This is an emergency.
What it really means: "I screwed up due to poor planning and bad foresight, so
now I need all my subordinates to run around and act like this is the most
important event in the history of the company!"
Bigger fish to fry
Example: "I understand your point, Ibra, but we have bigger fish to fry."
Intended to mean: There are more important things to focus on.
What it really means: "I think you're an idiot with a tiny little mind so I will
belittle you in front of your peers by saying so using a barely veiled catchphrase."
Run up the flagpole
Example: "Good idea, let's run it up the flagpole."
Intended to mean: Sounds like a good idea, but let's get someone else's opinion.
What it really means: "I'm not authorized to make that decision."
What it also really means: "I'm too afraid to make that decision on my own, and I
need someone to blame in case it fails."
Tip of the iceberg
Example: "The product doesn't fit into the mix. And that's only the tip of the iceberg!"
Intended to mean: There are many more problems besides that one.
What it really means: "There are no other problems, but I want to make myself
seem more important than I am, so I'll make it sound like there are problems
without actually mentioning what they are."
Long pole
Example: "Looks like you are the long pole on this project."
Intended to mean: You are in charge of performing the final task.
What it really means: "Everyone is waiting on you, pal. Get your limbs moving!"
Out of the loop
Example: "Sorry, I guess I was out of the loop."
Intended to mean: Unaware of that topic or decision.
What it really means: "I don't care about this, and I wasn't paying attention
anyway."
What it also really means: "You 'mavi ya kuku' horde all the information, so how am I supposed to ever know anything that goes on around here?!"
Move forward
Example: "We're not getting cooperation from our partner company, let's move
forward without them."
Intended to mean: It's important to keep on track and let nothing get in the way
of objectives.
What it really means: "I'd rather not take time to figure this out and make
correct decisions. Instead, let's charge through it like an elephant, knocking
over everything in our path, consequences be damned!"
Offline
Example: "I'm interested in talking about that topic, but let's take it offline."
Intended to mean: Spoken during a meeting or conference call indicating that the
topic is not appropriate for discussion at that time.
What it really means: "I'm scared that I will make myself look like a fool if I
talk about that in front of other people because I know nothing about it. At the
same time, I want to make it sound like I have complete control over the
situation."
Peel the onion
Example: "This is complicated, we need to peel the onion."
Intended to mean: Strip away the layers of complexity in order to assess this
better.
What it really means: "Dont assume we are all from the technical department, some of us are too dumb."
Window of opportunity
Example: "Let's jump on this before the window of opportunity closes."
Intended to mean: There is a limited amount of time that these particular
conditions will exist.
What it really means: "I'm afraid I might miss out on something if I don't jump
at this (and every other) opportunity, no matter how little sense it makes."
Open door policy
Example: "As the CEO of Alecs Systems plc., I maintain an open door policy."
Intended to mean: The CEO is interested in his employees' opinions and issues.
He's always available to listen and to help.
What it really means: "I want to give the appearance I am interested in your
opinions and issues. Actually, I'm too busy embezzling funds, and too
self-important to care about your petty problems."
[Perfect Kenyan example: political parties without ideologies, they only react to the current 'pain in the *#%$#]
Step up
Example: "We need you to step up on this assignment!"
Intended to mean: Do your very best.
What it really means: "Normally you are a waste of space, try not to ruin things
this time, pumbavu."
Strategic gap
Example: "We are 500 products short, we have a strategic gap."
Intended to mean: It's the difference between the projected results and the
objectives.
What it really means: "I'm trying to sound more intelligent than I am. Actually,
I don't know the real definition of the term."
Win-win
Example: "We get to keep the money and stay out of jail. It's a win-win
situation!"
Intended to mean: Everyone will be happy with this decision, it satisfies all
needs.
What it really means: "I'm extremely proud of myself for making such an obvious
decision and want you to know how smart I think I am."
Corporate Buzzwords - A cynic's view
Corporate Buzzwords
[and what they REALLY mean]
DISCLAIMER==========================================================================
=>This is only my percpective of the corporate lexicon, use it at your own risk.
====================================================================================
business portfolio
marketing equivalent to a wallet full of "pictures of my family"; in other
words, stuff you like to brag about that really wasn't your doing.
co-opt
polite term meaning to fight with a business partner
component
a part of the whole; especially, the part that doesn't work well with the rest
core business the apple industry
done deal
subject to change
emerging technologies
things understood only by the tech guys
emergency
anything requested by a user
empower
to tell employees that they matter
flexible
willing to do what the management or marketing people want at the given moment and
able to anticipate what they will want at the next moment
gap analysis
Fancy term for the (the difference btwn the target and actual performance).
go the extra mile
Over-stretch your limbs and have only a pat on your back.
high-level
vague, as in "Let me give you a high-level description of the requirements (i dont know the real shizzle)."
high-profile
important to a good friend of someone in upper-level management
information-based
filled with useless data--well, okay some of it is useful, but the rest is just
there to provide more columns or pages to reports that are generated, printed,
glanced at (optional), and thrown away. [remember this is the cynics view !!]
knowledge base
the sum total of one's prejudices and ignorance
lessons learned
excuses for embarrassing mistakes
leverage
abuse, as in "We need to leverage our team members. A fancy term used to make abused employees feel good !!
market-based
founded upon the ideas of salesmen
mission-critical
Ever hear of 'mission uncritical'?
movers and shakers
the guys who matter
out of the loop
physically present but mentally absent.
proactive
an excuse to be offensive without satisfactory justification
productivity
another name for the 80-hour work week and unpaid overtime.
realignment
mass firing of employees with a clever term to make them (sacked employees) smile.
rightsizing
perpetual reorganization. Think of a headless chicken and you will get what i mean.
standards . . . procedures . . . documentation
a set of business entities outside the scope of knowledge of we computer programmers and systems analysts.
strategic
a characteristic of any plan whose due date is too far away to make it possible to
determine whether the end result will bear any resemblance to the original desired
result
synergy
contraction for "synthetic energy".
tactical
relating to speech which is uttered only after choosing words carefully so as to
avoid hurt feelings
take it off-line
"shut up"
think outside the box
come up with something logical for a change
value-added
more expensive
win-win
relating to a situation that is very beneficial to the person using the term,
regardless of the benefit to others.
[and what they REALLY mean]
DISCLAIMER==========================================================================
=>This is only my percpective of the corporate lexicon, use it at your own risk.
====================================================================================
business portfolio
marketing equivalent to a wallet full of "pictures of my family"; in other
words, stuff you like to brag about that really wasn't your doing.
co-opt
polite term meaning to fight with a business partner
component
a part of the whole; especially, the part that doesn't work well with the rest
core business the apple industry
done deal
subject to change
emerging technologies
things understood only by the tech guys
emergency
anything requested by a user
empower
to tell employees that they matter
flexible
willing to do what the management or marketing people want at the given moment and
able to anticipate what they will want at the next moment
gap analysis
Fancy term for the (the difference btwn the target and actual performance).
go the extra mile
Over-stretch your limbs and have only a pat on your back.
high-level
vague, as in "Let me give you a high-level description of the requirements (i dont know the real shizzle)."
high-profile
important to a good friend of someone in upper-level management
information-based
filled with useless data--well, okay some of it is useful, but the rest is just
there to provide more columns or pages to reports that are generated, printed,
glanced at (optional), and thrown away. [remember this is the cynics view !!]
knowledge base
the sum total of one's prejudices and ignorance
lessons learned
excuses for embarrassing mistakes
leverage
abuse, as in "We need to leverage our team members. A fancy term used to make abused employees feel good !!
market-based
founded upon the ideas of salesmen
mission-critical
Ever hear of 'mission uncritical'?
movers and shakers
the guys who matter
out of the loop
physically present but mentally absent.
proactive
an excuse to be offensive without satisfactory justification
productivity
another name for the 80-hour work week and unpaid overtime.
realignment
mass firing of employees with a clever term to make them (sacked employees) smile.
rightsizing
perpetual reorganization. Think of a headless chicken and you will get what i mean.
standards . . . procedures . . . documentation
a set of business entities outside the scope of knowledge of we computer programmers and systems analysts.
strategic
a characteristic of any plan whose due date is too far away to make it possible to
determine whether the end result will bear any resemblance to the original desired
result
synergy
contraction for "synthetic energy".
tactical
relating to speech which is uttered only after choosing words carefully so as to
avoid hurt feelings
take it off-line
"shut up"
think outside the box
come up with something logical for a change
value-added
more expensive
win-win
relating to a situation that is very beneficial to the person using the term,
regardless of the benefit to others.
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