downloads

Does your network admin (Dans Guardian,etc) prevent your from downloading stuff?
Here is a simple hack:

Most applications (especialy Dans Guardian) only block the urls with having the word 'download' instead of blocking ftp traffic.

Two options exist:
1. install a proxy eg ultra surf (where do u get the permissions?)
2. the best option is to use a different language all together (how?)

The best solution is number 2.

Procedure
1. Look for the equivalent of the word download in ur prefered language (in french and the equivalent for download is telechargement).
2. use google to search for ur download without forgeting to replace the word download with ur new word.
3. voila...

NB: Always avoid anything, including buttons, that has the word download in it.

Gud luck

My Views

Life is more like underground survey than surface survey.

In normal surface survey you see where you are aiming and the only possible deviations are left and right. This is like driving a car where you focus more on where u r going than where you are coming from.

However below the ground you cant see where u r going (just like in life)!!! You dont give up but rather be more creative and look behind to see where u r comming from and make the necessary corrections to your forward movement.

NB: This is a 3D space and deviations can be left, right, up or down with disastrous consequences !!!

Common

1. If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.

2. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

3. You arent late until you show up.

4. If going to church makes you a Christian then standing in a garage makes you a car

5. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway

6. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

7. If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

Not long ago

Art
I used to be a great artist (allow me to blow my own trumpet plz) in my formative years at prima. Am not sure if i can still draw/paint Kazi Bure.....

Soccer
I played soccer at many levels from interschool to national level (and almost internationaly).

1. Played for Coast Under 17 at several Coca Cola tournaments.
2. Played for Kenyatta and Khamisi High School "Kiungo Cha Kati - 6"

Novels
I could not wait to finish reading a novel (even if it meant transnighting). Now i can take almost four weekends just reading one !!
Favorites were James Hardley Chase stuff, Mario Puzzo stuff, Muhammed Said Abdulla,..

Kujirusha
Ile mbaya dem dayz ...

Hobbies

1. Watching Sci-Fi, 007, and other 'entertaining movies'
2. Watching n Listening to fun stuff: Big Bang Theory, etc
3. Joking and having fun
4. Travelling
5. Challenging my mental faculties (once in a while)


AM MORE CURIOUS ABOUT...
1. Engineering Masterpieces eg the longest under-sea Tunnel (across the English Channel linking Britain and France)
2. The Secrets of War (WW1 and WW2) - the technology, tactics, propaganda machine, etc
3. Space travel

[Surely humans are capable of big things]

Aspirations

Aspirations
1. Developing intelligent commercial grade software solutions using AI philosophies.
2. Perfecting R&D in optimization and simulation systems (OR) development.
3. Application Hosting - SaaS [Software as a Service]
4. Software Elegance








And.... a matching bank account balance

Professionally

CONTACTS
Nationality: Kenyan
Email: al-ibrahim@operamail.com, mabura.zeguru@gmail.com
Cell: 020 2058726,
Langs: French, Italian, English, Swa, etc

ACADEMIC
BSc IT - JKUAT - First Class Honors

PROFESSIONAL
Software Design - Java SE, Java EE, XML, Prolog, PHP, VB
Application Servers - Glassfish, Tomcat, Apache
DBMSs - Oracle 10g, PostgreSQL, MySQL
Experience - WebSpace/Liferay, Alfresco CMS, Openbravo ERP, ICEFaces, NetBeans, Virtualization
Projects - CCK FSM, IMLU MIS, KIMY DMS, CCK Intranet, among others



Personal Weaknesses
> Perfectionist syndrome
> Attention to nitty gritties

Strengths
> Need i say?

The Big Bang Theory

1.
Penny: I'm a Sagittarius which probably tells you way more than you need to know...
Sheldon: Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relevant to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: Participate in the what?


2.
Sheldon: Penny, i want u to clarify something since there will be a discussion when you leave. Do you solely reject our presense in ur apartment last night or do you also reject the imposition of a new organizational paradigm?
Penny: (dumbfounded and speachless leaves the room)

3.
Penny: am sure it must be some little misunderstanding
Sheldon: a little misunderstanding? galileo and the pope had a 'little' misunderstanding

4.
Missy: "That's because you don't have a measureable sense of humor, Shelly!"
Sheldon: "How would one exactly measure a sense of humor? A humor-mometer?"

5.
Penny: (after seeing Leonard and Sheldon without pants) I'm so sorry. I really thought if you guys went instead of me, he wouldn't be such an ass.
Leonard: No, it was a valid hypothesis.
Sheldon: That, "was a valid hypo"—what is happening to you?


6.
Sheldon: I can't believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a "glorified high school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts."
Sheldon: In my defense, I prefaced that with, "with all due respect."

7.
(at the high-IQ sperm bank, discussing committing genetic fraud)
Sheldon: What if she ends up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.

8. (while cleaning Penny's sitting room)
Sheldon to Leornard: "explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid."

9.
"I don't know your odds in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable mac daddy."


10.
Leonard: So Penny is a little messy..
Sheldon: A little messy ? The person who setup complex numbers was a little messy. This is chaos!!


11.
Howard: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Howard: Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, will I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?
Raj: You might be bound by them right now.
Howard: That's true, have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Raj: Have you ever harmed yourself or let yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?
Sheldon: Well, no.
Howard: I smell robot.
(Leonard walks in)
Leonard: What's going on around here?
Sheldon: The internet's been down for half an hour.
Raj: Also, Sheldon might be a robot.

how to prove theorems

GUIDE FOR LECTURERS

Proof by vigorous handwaving:
Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.

Proof by omission:
"The reader may easily supply the details" or "The other 253 cases are analogous"

Proof by deferral:
"We'll prove this later in the course".

Proof by intimidation:
"Trivial."

Proof by adverb:
"As is quite clear, the elementary aforementioned statement is obviously valid."

Proof by seduction:
"Convince yourself that this is true! "

Proof by cumbersome notation:
Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols (must include greek symbols,).

Proof by obfuscation:
A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically related statements.


Proof by wishful citation:
The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem from the literature to support his claims.


Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883.


Proof by cosmology:
The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God.


Proof by mutual reference:
In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A.

math jargon

INSTEAD OF: THEY USE:
========== ===========
truth: tautology.
criteria: rubric.
example: substantive
similar structure: homomorphic.
very similar structure: isomorphic.
same area: isometric.
arithmetic: number theory.
count: enumerate.
one: unity.
generally/specifically: globally/locally.
constant: invariant.
bonus result: corollary.
distance: metric measure.
several: a plurality.
function/argument: operator/operand.
separation/joining: bifurcation/confluence.
random: stochastic.
tends to zero: vanishes.
tip-top point: apex.
perpendicular (adj.): orthogonal.
perpendicular (n.): normal.
path: trajectory.
shift: rectilinear translation.
similar: homologous.
very similar: congruent.
change direction: perturb.
join: concatenate.
approximate to two or more places: accurate.
clever scheme: algorithm.
alphabetical order: lexical order.

Theorems and Proofs

1.
Premise I: Knowledge is power.
Premise II: Power corrupts.
Conclusion: Therefore, knowledge corrupts.


2.
Theorem: Women are absolutely evil
Proof:
Women are the product of time and money: women = time × money
Time is money: time = money
So women are money squared: women = money2
Money is the root of all evil: money = √evil
So women are absolutely evil: women = (√evil)2 = abs(evil)


3.Salary Theorem : The less you know, the more you make.
Proof:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
And since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money .
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.


4. Love
"Do you love your math more than me?"
"Of course not, dear - I love you much more."
"Then prove it!"
"OK... Let R be the set of all lovable objects..."

5.
Theorem. A cat has nine tails.
Proof. No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no cat, it must have nine tails.

Math pick up

1. "I wish I were your derivative so I could lie Tangent to your curves! "

2. "In front of you, I feel like a constant in front of a differential operator"

3. "Please allow me to calculate the area under the curves! "

Mathematicians

1. ENGINEER, MATHEMATICIAN & PHYSICIST--"FIRE IN THE ROOM"

A physicist and engineer and a mathematician were sleeping in a hotel room when a fire broke out in one corner of the room. Only the engineer woke up he saw the fire, grabbed a bucket of water and threw it on the fire and the fire went out, then he filled up the bucket again and threw that bucketfull on the ashes as a safety factor, and he went back to sleep. A little later, another fire broke out in a different corner of the room and only the physicist woke up. He went over measured the intensity of the fire, saw what material was burning and went over and carefully measured out exactly 2/3 of a bucket of water and poured it on, putting out the fire perfectly; the physicist went back to sleep. A little later another fire broke out in a different corner of the room. Only the mathematician woke up. He went over looked at the fire, he saw that there was a bucket and he noticed that it had no holes in it; he turned on the faucet and saw that there was water available. He, thus, concluded that there was a solution to the fire problem and he went back to sleep.


2. WIFE OR MISTRESS

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife you can do some mathematics.

3. SCOTTISH SHEEP

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here."


4. AREA = OUTSIDE THE FENCE

A sociologist, a physicist and a mathematician are all given equal amounts of fencing, and are asked to enclose the greatest area. The sociologist pauses for a moment and decides to enclose a square area with his fence. The physicist, realizing he can fence off a greater amount of land with the same amount of fencing, promptly sets his fence in the form of a circle, and smiles. "I'd like to see you beat that!" he says to the mathematician. The mathematician, in response, takes a very small piece of his own fencing, and wraps it around himself, proclaiming, "I define my area to be that outside of the fence!"

5. REDUCING THE PROBLEM TO A PREVIOUSLY SOLVED ONE (aka simplification)

A physicist and a mathematician are sitting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leap towards the sink, filled the bucket with water and puts out the fire. Second day, the same two sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, got a bucket, hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one!
(because it can be proven that a physicist can put off the fire!).

6. LET N BE WHATEVER U LIKE

A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the wonderful lecture.
E: "How do you understand this stuff?"
M: "I just visualize the process"
E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?"
M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N be 9"


7. MATHEMATICIANS (as abstract as always) !!

A graduate student of mathematics who used to come to the University on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle. "Where did you get the bike from?" his friends asked. "It's a `thank you' present", he explains, "from that freshman girl I've been tutoring. Yesterday she called me and told that she had passed her math final and wanted to drop by to thank me in person. She arrived at my place on her bicycle. When I had let her in, she took all her clothes off, smiled at me, and said: `You can get from me whatever you desire!'" One of his friends remarks: "You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle." "Yeah", another friend adds, "just imagine how silly you would have looked in a girl's clothes - and they wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

8.

suicide

short math jokes

1. Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!


2.
In Zimbabwe, due to inflation, pi has shot to 3,142,000 from 3.142 !!!


3. Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
A: I've told you n times, if i tell you n+1 times...


4. "Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.
"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General
Calculus was a Roman war hero...

5. Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra.
A: Elephant zebra sin theta

6.
A mathematician organizes a lottery in which the prize is an infinite amount of money. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: "1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..."

7.
When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."

8.
A constant function and e^x are walking on Broadway. Then suddenly the constant function sees a differential operator approaching and runs away. So e^x follows him and asks why the hurry. "Well, you see, there's this differential operator coming this way, and when we meet, he'll differentiate me and nothing will be left of me...!" "Ah," says e^x, "he won't bother ME, I'm e to the x!" and he walks on. Of course he meets the differential operator after a short distance.
Exponent x : "Hi, I'm e^x"
differrential operator: "Too bad, I'm d/dy"


9.
"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."


10.
The limit as 3 tends to 4 of 3^2 is 16.


11.
A woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician.
"How old, do you think, am I?" she asks coyly.
"Well - 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on your cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding that up is something you can probably do for yourself..."

12.
"What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?"
"She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me."
"I don't believe that she cheated on you!"
"Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns..."

13.
TWO sodium atoms are walking from a VCT. All of a sudden, one stops and turns to its friend looking worried:

Na(1)- "Oh No... I think I've lost an Electron!"
Na(2)- "What... are you sure?"
Na(1)- "Yes, I'm Positive!"

I believe

1.
The only problem with searching for a needle in a haystack is practically searching the entire haystack for the needle.

2.
There is nothing like majority rule (democracy).
In every political organism there will always be a ruling elite who are the minority.
The ruling elite is not elected by the voters but has itself elected by them.

3.

How come ?

1.

The Two Envelope Paradox

You have a choice between two envelopes that contain money. You are allowed to look at one before you chose. You are told that one envelope contains twice as much as the other. You pick one (let's say A). You find 10/=. So, the other envelope (B ) must have $5 or 20/=. Do you keep this one or go select B?
Well look at the expected value of the other one. It is (1/2 x 5/=) + (1/2 x 20/=) = 12.50/=. Hmm, looks like you need to pick B. But wait, what if you had picked it first? The same analysis would have caused you to conclude that A was the better one. How come?

2.

The Unexpected Execution (Hanging) Paradox

A prisoner is told that he will be hanged next week but the day of the hanging will be a surprise. The prisoner realizes that if he wakes up Saturday morning and finds himself not dead, then he can't be hanged that day because it would not be a surprise. By induction, he then eliminates Friday and so on for every day of the week. But come Wednesday he was hanged -- much to his surprise -- as the judge promised. How come its a surprise?


3.

The black card paradox.

Consider a stack of 7 playing cards, all of which are red except one which is black. It is your job to assemble the cards in a stack face down with the black one in some position. It is my job to turn the cards over one at a time until I get to the black one.

Can you arrange the cards in the deck in such a way that at every position, I will not be able to deduce that the next card is a black one before I turn it over? That is, as I go through the stack, one at a time, I will not be able to correctly deduce that the next card is black.

You cannot put it in the bottom, 7th, position, for I can certainly deduce that it is black if I get down to the last card and I haven't seen a black one. So that rules out the 7th position. There seems to be no doubt about that. (It would seem even that the 7th card is useless and we might as well play the game with 6, but I will let that pass.)

What about the 6th position? Well when I get down to the 6th card, I can deduce that the it must be black since we have already eliminated the 7th position. So you can't use the 6th position either.

Now, I say the 5th position has exactly the same problem. We have eliminated the 6th and 7th haven't we? This continues until we eliminate the 1st position.

This implies that i can always know it the card is black.

How come?

Magic with numbers

1. The Paradox of the digits

It's now official: 1=2

And here is the proof...

(1) Given X = Y
(2) XX = XY Multiply both sides by X
(3) XX - 2Y = XY - 2Y Subtract 2Y from both sides
(4) (X+Y)(X-Y) = Y(X-Y) Factor both sides
(5) (X+Y) = Y Cancel out common factors
(6) Y+Y = Y Substitute in from line (1)
(7) 2Y = Y Collect the Y's
(8) 2 = 1 Divide both sides by Y

Therefore 2 = 1 !!!!

Brain teasers

1. Mjinga wa kwanza kamwambia mjinga wa mwisho "Ukinishinda werevu ujue kwa ujinga
huniwezi" wa mwisho naye kajibu "Huniwezi hata kidogo"!. Swali : Je yupi ndiye
mjinga zaidi?



2. Three boys decided to contribute 10/= each to buy a book worth 30/=. On reaching the
Book store they were told that it now costs 25/=. They decide to take back 1/= each
and save the remaining 2/=.

Observation..
>If each took back 1/=, doesn't it mean that they contributed 9/= each? This implies
that the total contribution is : 9*3 + 2(saved) giving 29.

Question is..
> Where is the remaining 1/= ?????



3. A Lawyer stood up and said "All lawyers are liars". The question is, is the
statement true or false? (Hint: concentrate on the statement).
Observer 1: It is True.
But if it is true then the statement is false since it was made by a
by a lawyer and a lawyer is supposed to be a liar.
Observer 2: It is False.
But if it is false (ie All lawyers are not liars) then the statement
may be true because we assume that a lawyer can tell the truth.

4. A male barber SWEARS and writes outside his shop:
"FROM NOW ON I WILL ONLY SHAVE MEN IN THIS TOWN WHO DO NOT SHAVE THEMSELVES"

Question: Does the barber shave himself?

Beware of the word INFINITY !!

1. The Infinite Circle

Nicholas of Cusa (1401-1464) made the following interesting point regarding the shape of an infinite circle. The curvature of a circle's circumference ecreases
as the size of the circle increases. For example, the curvature of the earth's surface is so negligible that it appears flat. The limit of decrease in curvature is a straight line.

An infinite circle is therefore... a straight line!!!!!


2. The Racetrack (or Dichotomy)

I can authoritatively say that one can never reach the end of a racecourse, for in order to do so one would first have to reach the halfway mark, then the halfway mark
of the remaining half, then the halfway mark of the final fourth, then of the final eighth, and so on ad infinitum.
Since this series of fractions is infinite, one can never hope to get through the entire length of the track (at least not in a finite time).

Start ____________________1/2__________3/4_____7/8__15/16... Finnish

But things get even worse than this...
Just as one cannot reach the end of the racecourse, one cannot even begin to run. For before one could reach the halfway point, one would have to reach the 1/4 mark, and before that the 1/8 mark, etc., etc. As there is no first point in this series, one can never really get started (this is known as the Reverse Dichotomy).

3. The Paradox of the Divided Stick

This is a big one..Ready??

This is a modern version of a plurality paradox asks what would happen if an infinitely divisible stick were cut in two, then half a minute later each half were again cut in two, then a quarter of a minute later each fourth cut in two, and so on ad infinitum.
At the end of one minute what would be left? An infinite number of pieces? Would each piece have any length?

From your answer lets continue...
This brings us to the two of the better-known plurality paradoxes :

(1) If something is divisible (the stick), then it is infinitely divisible (ie the stick can be divided into an infinite number of pieces). Now if each part has zero size, then the total has zero size, for an infinite number of zero lenghts add up to zero. If on the other hand each part(of the stick) has some finite size, then the total is infinite, for an infinite number of finite lenghts, however minuscule (small), must add up to an infinite total. So something divisible is either infinite or else has no size at all. Thus something finite is not divisible [the stick is not divisible]!!!!

(2) The total number of things is both finite and infinite. It is finite because, if there are many things, then there must be as many as there are "neither more nor less". And in that case their number is limited, hence finite. But on the other hand if there are many things, they must be infinite in number, for between any two there must always be others, and between those others still, and so on. (This paradox
apparently is meant to apply to spatial points, rather than to physical objects.)


4. Paradox of the chinkororo* [No pun intended]
This version of the Racetrack paradox brings out the conceptual difficulties inherent in infinite tasks. Suppose Paul Tergat wants to run the length of a racetrack but there are an infinite number of chinkororo (Tergat is not aware of them) who have the following intentions: the first chinkororo intends to paralyze Tergat if he reaches the halfway mark; the second intends to paralyze Tergat if he reaches the quarter mark; the third, if he reaches the one-eighth mark; and so on. As in the Reverse Dichotomy (last bit of paradox 4 above), Tergat cannot even start running: to do so would violate the intentions of an infinite number of chinkororo. However, it is not clear why he cannot start running, for until he does, no chinkororo has actually paralyzed him.

*If u r a kenyan you know and if not ask Nyachae....




Say something

Networking - TCP

//A simple client server application running on the TCP protocol
//Author Ibrahim Itambo


NB Code removed because of excessive and unhygienic plagiarism

Object Serialization

//Saving objects to a file by implementing the serializable interface
//Author: Ibrahim Itambo

NB Code removed because of excessive and unhygienic plagiarism

Simple Threads in Java

//here is a sample code to show you how to create a simple multithreaded program in //Java
//Author Ibrahim Itambo

Simple Threads in Java

//here is a sample code to show you how to create a simple multithreaded program in //Java

Jargon Critic

1.
“think outside the box.” what fricken box?! what’s in it to start with?!

I’m at school. I hate thinking outside the box. It’s cold out there. I want to be inside the warm box.


My Calculus lecturer used “outside the box” alot too just like many other have brought it up. The box? I am so good I never have seen the box!


2.
Oh, and “utilize”. And “orientate”. What’s wrong with “use” and “orient”?


3.
“Over-qualified.” Used only by those who are under-qualified.

4.
“Rubric” as it is now used in schools. The same institutions that put limits on vocabulary-building so that the average student can barely hold an intelligent conversation, have the gall to use the word “rubric”? It turns out it means… instructions. Steps for completing the assignment. I find words to be rather delightful, but there’s no need to fix what ain’t broke. Replacing “instructions” with “rubric” does not impress me.

5.
“best-practices” is the worst.
I don’t think it’s the best practice to use best-practices. It sounds ridiculous.

6.
I’ve seen the word “Quixotic” way too much in the past week.

7.
My old boss said “diligent” all the damn time. I was pretty diligent in my hatred of the word and cringing of his use of it! It was as if he invented the word…like he just learned it in english class and had to show off.

8.
“Pragmatic approach” - Why does a word that mean something practical, sound so impractical? As soon as you hear this saying you know the PITAF (pain-in-the-ass-factor) is gonna be HUGE!!

9.
“Developing new synergies/ strategies/ markets/ ….” - Dip shit in candy and paint it pink and white. At the end of the day it still comes out as shit.

10.
I’m tired of “Rubenesque women" and "Chubby ladies". “Fat chicks” is much more direct.

11.
Also why must everything have its own “vision and values” and why must every sports team play with “Pride and passion”. Even Harambee Stars played with pride n passion when they lost to Taifa Stars!

12.
Oh, and our workplace have just dredged “core competencies framework” out of the pond to assist in the annual review process. Its a bit moss covered by now that phrase, but thats when they join our lexicon here.

Business jargon

blame storming
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Its an official version of the 'blame game'- 'it wanst me'.

Chainsaw Consultant
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Mouse Potato
The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Some guy spending the whole day on a pc doing alot of nothing.

Stress Puppy
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Alpha Geek
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.

Chips and Salsa
Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."

Flight Risk
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

What your boss is trying to say

Corporate buzzwords

These are the terms and phrases tossed about by executives and managers to make themselves appear more important, or to cover up incompetence.
They can be very annoying (to the audience) and much fun (to the speaker).


Analysis paralysis
Example: "I don't want this project to become a victim of analysis paralysis!"
Intended to mean: Spending too much time on analysis slows progress to a crawl.
What it really means: "I'm too incompetent to actually think about what I want up
front. I'd rather continually change requirements and make things up as I go."

Bleeding edge
Example: "We need the newest software so we can be on the bleeding edge of
technology!"
Intended to mean: Desire for the company to be industry technology leaders.
What it really means: "I don't care if the new stuff works, I want it anyway,
because then I can look cool in front of my peers who read the trade magazines."

Bottom line
Example: "We're not going to sell products in Canada, and that's the bottom line!"
Intended to mean: The decision has been made and is final.
What it really means: "I'm the goddamn boss, so stop questioning me! Your
logical arguments hold no sway against my whims!"

Outside the box
Example: "That solution won't work. We need to think outside the box, people!"
Intended to mean: Be clever and innovative to solve this problem.
What it really means: "I can't think of a good solution either, but you guys are
the morons, not me."

Core competency
Example: "Our company's core competency is creating cakes."
Intended to mean: This is what the company does best, we are experts.
What it really means: "We really don't do anything very well, but this is the only thing we (at least) know how to do, and if we use big words like "competency" maybe we can fool you."

"Exciting times"
Example: "With the release of Product version 6.0, this is a very exciting time!"
Intended to mean: The company has a promising future.
What it really means: Has there ever in the history of corporate memos or
speeches been "boring times"? Judging by CEO statements, every company at every
time is "exciting". This is by far the most overused buzzword for a company
describing itself.

Face time
Example: "I'd like to see more face time from you."
Intended to mean: Try to make yourself more available.
What it really means: "I don't care how productive you are, as long as you arrive
before (and are seen by) upper management, and leave after upper management has
left, to give them the impression my team is working hard."

Fire drill
Example: "The product design is all wrong! Hurry up, it's a fire drill to fix it!"
Intended to mean: This is an emergency.
What it really means: "I screwed up due to poor planning and bad foresight, so
now I need all my subordinates to run around and act like this is the most
important event in the history of the company!"

Bigger fish to fry
Example: "I understand your point, Ibra, but we have bigger fish to fry."
Intended to mean: There are more important things to focus on.
What it really means: "I think you're an idiot with a tiny little mind so I will
belittle you in front of your peers by saying so using a barely veiled catchphrase."

Run up the flagpole
Example: "Good idea, let's run it up the flagpole."
Intended to mean: Sounds like a good idea, but let's get someone else's opinion.
What it really means: "I'm not authorized to make that decision."
What it also really means: "I'm too afraid to make that decision on my own, and I
need someone to blame in case it fails."

Tip of the iceberg
Example: "The product doesn't fit into the mix. And that's only the tip of the iceberg!"
Intended to mean: There are many more problems besides that one.
What it really means: "There are no other problems, but I want to make myself
seem more important than I am, so I'll make it sound like there are problems
without actually mentioning what they are."

Long pole
Example: "Looks like you are the long pole on this project."
Intended to mean: You are in charge of performing the final task.
What it really means: "Everyone is waiting on you, pal. Get your limbs moving!"

Out of the loop
Example: "Sorry, I guess I was out of the loop."
Intended to mean: Unaware of that topic or decision.
What it really means: "I don't care about this, and I wasn't paying attention
anyway."
What it also really means: "You 'mavi ya kuku' horde all the information, so how am I supposed to ever know anything that goes on around here?!"

Move forward
Example: "We're not getting cooperation from our partner company, let's move
forward without them."
Intended to mean: It's important to keep on track and let nothing get in the way
of objectives.
What it really means: "I'd rather not take time to figure this out and make
correct decisions. Instead, let's charge through it like an elephant, knocking
over everything in our path, consequences be damned!"

Offline
Example: "I'm interested in talking about that topic, but let's take it offline."
Intended to mean: Spoken during a meeting or conference call indicating that the
topic is not appropriate for discussion at that time.
What it really means: "I'm scared that I will make myself look like a fool if I
talk about that in front of other people because I know nothing about it. At the
same time, I want to make it sound like I have complete control over the
situation."

Peel the onion
Example: "This is complicated, we need to peel the onion."
Intended to mean: Strip away the layers of complexity in order to assess this
better.
What it really means: "Dont assume we are all from the technical department, some of us are too dumb."

Window of opportunity
Example: "Let's jump on this before the window of opportunity closes."
Intended to mean: There is a limited amount of time that these particular
conditions will exist.
What it really means: "I'm afraid I might miss out on something if I don't jump
at this (and every other) opportunity, no matter how little sense it makes."

Open door policy
Example: "As the CEO of Alecs Systems plc., I maintain an open door policy."
Intended to mean: The CEO is interested in his employees' opinions and issues.
He's always available to listen and to help.
What it really means: "I want to give the appearance I am interested in your
opinions and issues. Actually, I'm too busy embezzling funds, and too
self-important to care about your petty problems."
[Perfect Kenyan example: political parties without ideologies, they only react to the current 'pain in the *#%$#]


Step up
Example: "We need you to step up on this assignment!"
Intended to mean: Do your very best.
What it really means: "Normally you are a waste of space, try not to ruin things
this time, pumbavu."

Strategic gap
Example: "We are 500 products short, we have a strategic gap."
Intended to mean: It's the difference between the projected results and the
objectives.
What it really means: "I'm trying to sound more intelligent than I am. Actually,
I don't know the real definition of the term."

Win-win
Example: "We get to keep the money and stay out of jail. It's a win-win
situation!"
Intended to mean: Everyone will be happy with this decision, it satisfies all
needs.
What it really means: "I'm extremely proud of myself for making such an obvious
decision and want you to know how smart I think I am."

Corporate Buzzwords - A cynic's view

Corporate Buzzwords
[and what they REALLY mean]

DISCLAIMER==========================================================================
=>This is only my percpective of the corporate lexicon, use it at your own risk.
====================================================================================

business portfolio
marketing equivalent to a wallet full of "pictures of my family"; in other
words, stuff you like to brag about that really wasn't your doing.

co-opt
polite term meaning to fight with a business partner

component
a part of the whole; especially, the part that doesn't work well with the rest
core business the apple industry

done deal
subject to change

emerging technologies
things understood only by the tech guys

emergency
anything requested by a user

empower
to tell employees that they matter

flexible
willing to do what the management or marketing people want at the given moment and
able to anticipate what they will want at the next moment

gap analysis
Fancy term for the (the difference btwn the target and actual performance).

go the extra mile
Over-stretch your limbs and have only a pat on your back.

high-level
vague, as in "Let me give you a high-level description of the requirements (i dont know the real shizzle)."

high-profile
important to a good friend of someone in upper-level management

information-based
filled with useless data--well, okay some of it is useful, but the rest is just
there to provide more columns or pages to reports that are generated, printed,
glanced at (optional), and thrown away. [remember this is the cynics view !!]

knowledge base
the sum total of one's prejudices and ignorance

lessons learned
excuses for embarrassing mistakes

leverage
abuse, as in "We need to leverage our team members. A fancy term used to make abused employees feel good !!

market-based
founded upon the ideas of salesmen

mission-critical
Ever hear of 'mission uncritical'?

movers and shakers
the guys who matter

out of the loop
physically present but mentally absent.

proactive
an excuse to be offensive without satisfactory justification

productivity
another name for the 80-hour work week and unpaid overtime.

realignment
mass firing of employees with a clever term to make them (sacked employees) smile.

rightsizing
perpetual reorganization. Think of a headless chicken and you will get what i mean.

standards . . . procedures . . . documentation
a set of business entities outside the scope of knowledge of we computer programmers and systems analysts.

strategic
a characteristic of any plan whose due date is too far away to make it possible to
determine whether the end result will bear any resemblance to the original desired
result

synergy
contraction for "synthetic energy".

tactical
relating to speech which is uttered only after choosing words carefully so as to
avoid hurt feelings

take it off-line
"shut up"

think outside the box
come up with something logical for a change

value-added
more expensive

win-win
relating to a situation that is very beneficial to the person using the term,
regardless of the benefit to others.